Our stories, your stories

“Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.”

I am a gay male. I am queer.

My earlier life involved travelling around the world as my dad was in the armed forces, and for a large part of this, my dad was not around much. I consequently found it hard to develop a good relationship with him - I’ll come back to this and its relevance later. 

I came to live in England in 1981 aged 18, from West Germany to go to art college in Preston. I’ve always been relatively quiet as an individual, but with some naivety and gumption, managed to fit into the alternative clubbing scene – and this, along with being at art college became my “gang”. I knew from an early age that I was not attracted to the opposite sex and battled to keep it a secret from my friends as well as my family. 

At the same time in the 1980s in the media (as well as spurred on by the government) a lot of misinformation, bias, prejudice and hatred was aimed at the LGBTQ community, further exacerbated by the AIDS pandemic. So there I was wanting a relationship, knowing it was illegal at this time to have a sexual relationship with another male under the age of 21 and having friends tell me to be careful drinking in gay clubs as you will “catch AIDS”. I eventually ended up meeting my future husband, who was under the age of 21, and wanted to tell my parents, which I did by letter. The response I received from them was one of rejection – and not to talk or mention it to them. My dad worked and lived in a masculine environment and could not contemplate his eldest son “having sex with another male”. It’s interesting that the response is one of the sexual act as opposed to a loving relationship. This led to me self-harming, feeling anxious and depressed – the latter is something I have unfortunately held on to and I always feel I have got to make more of an effort to fit in.

I decided that if my family were not prepared to love me and see me for who I am, I would sever all ties with them, and to cut a long story short they eventually accepted me and my partner. Luckily, things have moved on over the years. I have a supportive, loving husband and home. In my job I am also fully supported. One of my key values in life is parity and equality- and fairness. We still live in a world where there remains ignorance – and this is perpetuated by the media and social network sites. I continue to be “outed”, which seems to be the norm for most gay males, but have fortitude and resilience, which really helps. The Alphabet Group has created a safe space for service users to gather together and feel comfortable being who they are – this is so important!

I was 12 when I realised I was bi-curious. I asked my uncle about it and my cousin. They showed me DVDs about Gay Pride and it took me a couple of months to decide who I was. On my 13th birthday I came out to my uncle, “I know who I am now – I am bisexual”.

I couldn’t tell people straight away – it took me years – I had to get to know people. My brothers and sisters did not accept it. They didn’t agree with my approach. My sisters pushed me out of the door, and I have not spoken to them since – this was 2004. This makes me feel sad. I have not been in contact with my parents since 2000 – they do not know.

I had my first gay experience in May 2004 and I had my first kiss and sexual experience.

I have been in another hospital for 14 years. I met up with another service user and we spoke about our sexual preferences and experiences – there was no physical contact due to the environment. I went to my first LGBTQ meeting in this hospital in 2019. I did experience being slapped on the face and also spat at by another service user. I am still a person and I have my rights to be treated fairly. Some people do not always agree with this.

Coming to Guild Lodge, some of my peers respect me – some I have not told. I would like to eventually go out and find someone in the future. I hope they are nice and respectful to me.

Thank you for reading.

My dad’s never been a regular part of my upbringing, although I always had great fun and enjoyment when he bothered to see me. We mainly played sports – golf, squash, and badminton and went to the go-kart tracks. My male role model was my grandad, obviously my grandma was a role model as well. To this day I miss them (obviously not as much as my mom misses them more than I and definitely in different ways). They never swore, argued or spoke loudly and never displayed any worldly behaviours - they are a credit to humanity.

Being just me and my mum never gave me any experiences that benefited me in my relationships with friends/family/girlfriend/boyfriends (I have never had a boyfriend). I always seemed happy/encouraging and easy-going. I couldn’t and still can’t fathom, and to be honest, didn’t even know what my privates were for. This was the case up until my mid-teens when I had experiences with other boys.

Something felt good, although something felt wrong. I never knew what S.E.X was and was never au fait with it, even though I had many experiences with both men and women. Since my traumatic brain injury it has affected me in many ways – both emotional and physical. Up until my forties I have had more experience with men than with girls. I gave up finding “love” and a partner decades ago and in its own way would try to keep my “mind and brain functioning as efficiently as it is." Sharing my feelings with close family and friends was always a negative experience and so I left it there… full in the knowledge that I have all these feelings and potential happiness in abundance.

Since being at Guild Lodge I found out about the Alphabet Group through another service user – and was keen to join and find out more. It’s been a blessing and a comfort knowing that there is somewhere to be with like-minded people. It has also given me opportunities to learn about myself and LGBTQ. It’s good to meet others – including staff who have similar stories. It’s invaluable.

I am a cis-gender, bisexual woman. My story starts when I realised one day at high school that I liked one of the girls there more than a friend. I started dating in my late teens and had both boyfriends and girlfriends. My dad was very against it, my mum and brother were a bit confused but tried to be supportive. Throughout my twenties I was in a long-term relationship with a man, and being bisexual wasn’t something I particularly advertised, as I had received a mixed response in life. I was called “greedy” or “indecisive” by people of all sexualities, including those who identify as homosexual, which was quite disheartening, as I thought I might find support there. More bothersome was the fetishisation of my sexuality by straight, cisgender men, who somehow thought that me being bisexual was for their own titillation. So, that part of me was kept very quiet; it’s easier to just pass as straight and not invite unwanted comments. Unfortunately, I then faced some backlash from people who found out and accused me of “hiding my urges”, worried that I might have been secretly attracted to them. I found some members of the community and allies along the way, as being part of the alternative music scene meant people were sometimes a bit more open about their identity.

In my early 30s, I changed career and started working in health care, then eventually went back to university to retrain. I had planned to engage in the LGBT society, but unfortunately, the Covid pandemic meant socialising wasn’t an option. On qualifying, I was the only member of the LGBTQ+ community at my first role. I never formally announced my sexuality, but the progress flag badges on my lanyard and she/her pronouns on my email signature gave rise to natural conversation and disclosure. I sometimes felt self-applied pressure to be the “rainbow-flag-waver” when certain topics came up in the office and while I never faced direct derision, there was definitely some eye-rolling!

Moving to Guild Lodge was the first time in my working career that I have ever felt able to openly say, “this is who I am and that’s ok.” I had participated in an LGBTQ+ History Month event while on placement here, and was struck by the culture of inclusivity and supportiveness.

The ethos of the Alphabet Group has helped me to speak more openly about my experiences and to not consider my sexuality a “dirty secret”. I’m proud to be part of something meaningful; a group that offers a supportive, safe space for members and challenges the outside through constructive dialogue. The world is big enough for everyone and the LGBTQ+ community deserves to have some room in that, especially within the health and social care landscape.

My favourite quote from the TV show Brooklyn 99 comes from openly gay Police Captain Raymond Holt (played by the late Andre Braugher). In the episode, Detective Rosa Diaz has come out as bisexual to her family and been rejected, so the team pull together to support her and stand-in at family game night. Holt’s words resonate with me whenever I think of the opportunity that Alphabet Group offers to service users and staff at Guild Lodge:

“Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.”

My story starts when I was 11 years old, when I first noticed that I had the same feelings for boys as I did for girls. I felt more comfortable with boys, and my first relationships were with girls and I just wasn’t happy or comfortable.

I hid my sexuality for many years until college years, where I met a male my own age. I was 16 at the time and he was my first love, we had a relationship for three years and we were happy together but my issues with cannabis ended the relationship and he asked me to stop smoking it but I was addicted. I found it hard to stop and after many arguments, we ended our relationship.

I had many one night stands trying to replace my previous partner, but I couldn’t find happiness.

I have now been in services for 15 years and would like to meet a partner in the community and settle down. I have since started a group at Guild Lodge, the Alphabet, for people to attend to be safe and share their experiences. This group is great but we need to think about what we can do when we leave Guild.

I am pansexual. Attracted to the person, not the gender.

Unlike a lot of LGBTQ+ people, my story isn’t inherently negative when it comes to revealing my ‘true self’ in the beginning. I had two (very short-term) boyfriends before meeting the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen at work when I was 19. We became friends and before long, one day in the car park at B&Q, she asked me if we could give a relationship a go.

My grandparents, who I was living with at the time, weren’t overly keen on me being with another woman, but they kept it to themselves. Her parents hated me; I assume because I was her first girlfriend and they wanted someone to blame for their daughter ‘turning gay’.

We were together for 11 months, and they were wonderful, but then I left her because I needed to leave home, and she wouldn’t get a place with me because she was too secure living with her parents. At the time, I was struggling with my mental health and had no idea what I wanted or what was good for me, and it remains one of my biggest regrets.

I met my now-husband very shortly after that and we’ve been together ever since. He is a devoutly religious man; I am not (he wasn’t when we met and married). He is very much against any sexuality other than heterosexuality, and his religion teaches that only those who love the opposite sex will go to heaven. It is something I fiercely oppose and do not believe, and it’s caused many heartbreaking rows.

I feel trapped in my relationship; unable to be who I really am because of someone else’s beliefs. But – to end on a hopeful note – I am planning to leave when my finances allow, and perhaps then, in time, I can find a relationship where I can feel as though I don’t have to hide my beautiful light under a shroud.

I am so proud of Guild Lodge, where the Alphabet Group provides a safe and regular space for everyone to be their true selves and to find comfort and validation with others in similar situations.

People are people, not a label!

I don’t really have a story to tell. All my life I’ve believed that everyone has the absolute right to be whoever they are whatever that looks like, and that they have the absolute right to change and evolve as a person at any day and any time. Life shouldn’t be about trying to figure out which label we fit into.

I consider myself an ally of the LGBTQ+ community because I want to support and encourage people to always be themselves, and I want to see a future where that is an accepted and normalised state of play, without drama or judgment.

Being part of this group at Guild Lodge is a privilege and whilst we still have negativity and judgement towards individuals in the LGBTQ+ community, it allows me to be an ally and contribute towards a safe space for LGBTQ+. Each step towards inclusivity creates a more welcoming and accepting environment at Guild Lodge.

If you are interested in joining our group, whether a service user or staff member please contact: alphabet@lscft.nhs.uk.